Pondering the Complexities of the Down Trodden Mind...

Consider this:
...

Exactly. My mind is on overdrive and I can't seem to shut it down. I'd like to think that I've more control over my life than I, in fact, actually do. I find it fascinating that within a span of three days, I've read or been told this little fact: I'm not in control.

What!? When did this happen?

When did I lose control over what I call "my" life? What we call "our" lives!? Apparently we never had it in the first place.

Control is merely an allusion, a little veil that hangs before your eyes, lying to you, telling you that you have the power to choose your destiny. What it fails to inform you of is that, although you might be able to physically move one foot in front of the other, you have no sway over who might walk in front of your path, who might stand in your way, or what may hinder your progress. You've no idea, no comprehension of the people, things, events that, like monsters under your bed, could rise and take hold of you from behind, dragging you into their dark chasms of despair. Riveting no?

So now that we've all been informed that we, as difficult as it may be to understand, have no manipulation over our lives, what do we do? Where do we go from here? I'm sorry, but this has completely shaken my world to pieces, little fragments of an ideology now thrashed upon the broken concrete of my mind. Do we gather ourselves from the ground and try to put the shards back together, a puzzle if you will? I'm sorry, but if we've no control how on earth are we supposed to pick ourselves back up!?

Jesus Christ. That's a Being of whom I fully believe in to be THE one and ONLY God. With a capital "g". So, this being said, you'd think I wouldn't mind not being in control, considering I've this almighty God protecting me and guiding me. Ye of little faith! As childish as I am, as much as I strive to hold on to all things young, why cannot I follow Him blindly like a child!? Why is "faith like a child" so difficult to grasp? This is when my adult mind kicks in, the one moment when I'd rather it not, it does.

I read recently that "reality is like fine wine... It doesn't appeal to children". I think there's truth in that, for I fear that I cling far too tightly to my blanket of childhood. To the comfort in lack of responsibility.

Only, in doing so, I'm falling deeper and deeper into a depression clouded by happiness. I want to stop falling, I want to finally touch the blades of grass that wave at me from below.



I want to stop.